The Encore Bride

Second (or third, or more!) weddings have become more popular in recent years. It is no longer a social taboo for a couple to celebrate their life together in an encore wedding once they have found a new love.

Two or three generations ago, there was a stigma attached to second weddings. Most were quiet, family affairs set in the less-than-glamorous local City Hall. Thankfully, today’s encore bride finds herself limited only by her imagination, budget and sense of tradition.

A second wedding may be a destination wedding at a luxurious tropical resort, or an afternoon barbecue on the family farm. It might be the lavish church ceremony and full service reception you couldn’t afford the first time around.

As an encore bride, you have as many options as you did with your first wedding. Now older and wiser, you probably have a better sense of yourself and what you expect of the Big Day. In fact, many service providers enjoy working with second-time brides, as they are usually more decisive and less stressed when planning the event than their inexperienced counterparts.

So planning the encore wedding should be a piece of fondant-clad cake, right?

You will face a number of unique considerations in planning and preparing for the event;
it may be easier for you, or more difficult, but the experience will certainly be different. Recognizing these special issues and planning accordingly will help the day and the marriage itself flow smoother.

Selecting the Type of Wedding

Before setting your heart on a specific theme or style for your wedding, evaluate your needs and wants for the day. Your options will vary depending on the following factors:

Your timeline

Booking the perfect ceremony venue, reception location and caterer are concerns for every bride. These services are typically booked solid at least a year in advance, especially between June and September. If you plan to wed in a church or have your reception in a banquet hall, you should leave yourself at least a year for planning.

Your budget

Who is paying for this wedding? If your parents are generous enough to pay all or a part of the expenses a second time, you may have to limit yourself to a wedding that fits within their budget. Many older couples are more financially established than they might have been when younger and are better able to pay for their own wedding. If money is an issue, set a budget you can afford and stick to it – starting out in your second marriage with debt from the wedding can create unnecessary problems.

Consider your fiance

We tend to forget about the groom when we envision the perfect wedding day. Sure, he’s there, smiling and polished, handsome in a fitting suit or tux. But everything else, from the lilies to the white pillar candles to the soft, romantic music is our vision of the perfect wedding played out.

Your fiancé may not care what type of flowers you use for the corsages, but he will have opinions to share depending on his religious views, sense of tradition and the experience he had with his first wedding (if he is an encore groom). Involve him in the planning as much as possible.

Your guests

The size of your guest list may be largely dependant on your budget, but personal preference should be the deciding factor. Would you like to involve your extended family and friends? Perhaps you regret that your first marriage was so large and would prefer a smaller, intimate affair this time. Either way, it is your choice.

Your first wedding

The experience of your first wedding will likely influence the choices you make for your second. Most encore brides want something completely different and since many first time brides have the blowout extravaganza, the trend is towards smaller, more intimate receptions. However, it is a matter of personal taste, so if you missed the lavish wedding and want it now, go with it and enjoy it. Just make sure your fiancé is in agreement.

Weigh your options carefully with your fiancé before booking or paying deposits to ensure that your second wedding is a fitting reflection of the new life you are building together.

Your Second Wedding – A Family Affair?

If you or your fiancé have children from previous relationships or children together, decide what part you would like them to play in the wedding.

Some choose to give each child a special role, such as flower girl or ring bearer. Older children may even stand up as bridesmaids or ushers. It is also acceptable for your children to give you away at the altar. Give each child a special title or job for the day, paying equal attention to each, to avoid hurt feelings on what is surely a turbulent day for the children as well.

Your wedding may reflect a fun family atmosphere, or you may choose to include the children for the ceremony and dinner and have a babysitter waiting in the wings to take them away for the formal reception. This will largely depend on the age of the children and the type of wedding you envision.

Photography

Give your photographer a list of the family portraits and any specific candid shots you would like – this makes the photographer’s job easier and avoids your disappointment. Tell them when the children will be leaving to ensure that you have lasting memories of your child’s involvement, in whatever role they played.

Photographers often request a list of shots that are not to be taken; there is no point in your photographer trying to get two relatives who haven’t
spoken in years to pose together for
a picture. Avoid these awkward moments by informing your photographer of any problematic relationships beforehand.

Second Wedding Venues

You have as many options for where to hold your wedding and reception as first-time brides although the trend is towards non-religious, off-site locations such as gardens, beaches, the family home or elegant restaurant. If you are paying the costs, your choice is probably only limited by what you can afford, the rest being personal preference.

These alternative locations may require you to book ahead so don’t assume they are immediately available on short notice. Public areas may require a permit or written permission and require you to contend with curious onlookers.

If you have the event at home, purchase event insurance if you hold the liquor license for your reception. It costs a few hundred dollars, but is essential if you are serving alcohol to guests at your home or another location you have booked in your name.

If you are choosing a ceremony without religious overtones, consider using an officiant. They are licensed to perform weddings and are usually willing to travel to the venue you select. Because they are becoming increasingly popular, book them early.

Your Guests – the Art of Inviting

Encore brides frequently get creative with the invitations, frequently choosing less traditional text and styles in favour of a more personal statement. If you decide to create your own in an attempt to save money or for a unique look, realize that it does take time and may not be worth the savings. Be sure to use a good quality printer and paper.
Who to invite can be a major issue between couples and usually requires compromise. Involve your fiancé in the decision keeping in mind your budget, location and time of year.

For Encore brides there are issues they now face that did not need to be considered the first time when preparing their guest list. You may have friendships from your previous relationship, or relatives of your ex with whom you have remained close. If either of you are still close with your ex, or your children want to see their other parent invited, again discuss it with your partner. If they can be included without making either of you uncomfortable, consider making this concession for your fiancé or child’s sake. Friends change over the years and some of those that attended your first wedding may no longer be a part of your current life. There is no requirement that they be invited again so don’t do it simply out of a sense of guilt.

Many encore brides find that guests they really want to include cannot make it to the wedding for one reason or another. Friends and relatives are older now, with other commitments and possibly physical limitations that can prevent them from traveling to your wedding. If you can afford it, consider booking hotel rooms for guests who might not be able to afford the trip otherwise. Send a “save the date” card six to eight months before the wedding to give your guests more time to plan the trip.

Do not invite anyone that may be disapproving of you marrying again. This will simply create stress for you and may make other guests uncomfortable. It’s your day, not an opportunity for others to judge your decision.

Planning the Reception

Flowers and decorations are really only limited by your budget and personal preference. That said, there are practical considerations such as the time of year (some flowers may not be available or only at great cost) and the space in which the reception and/or wedding are held. Florists and decorators are not limited to working in banquet halls and churches. In fact, it’s the unusual settings that can prove the quality of the service.

Tents, homes, vacation properties and the great outdoors are frequently used for summer weddings and require special attention by the decorator. Ask to see a portfolio of work they have done and be sure to describe the setting you have in mind. In the right hands, the plainest of settings can take on a magical presence.

It’s advisable to have a backup plan for inclement weather if you are planning an outdoor wedding. Consider a tent as “insurance”, not only because of the risk of rain but as protection from the heat of the sun.

If you are planning to do the decorating yourself, with or without the help of friends, keep in mind that you and they both may be less talented than a professional decorator. Decorating commonly looks easy but is difficult to do well so choose a simpler approach which you know is within your ability.

Caterers must be booked at least eight months in advance in most areas, unless your wedding is outside of the busy summer season. Second weddings often stray from the typical afternoon ceremony – dinner – dance arrangement; afternoon teas, backyard barbecues, cocktail parties and brunches are all becoming more popular with encore brides. Decide what type of meal you will serve and use it as a pre-screening question for your caterers. There is no point in going over menus if they do not provide the type of service you are looking for.

If your guest list is small, you can probably afford to be more extravagant in both the meal and the wine you serve. Older guests may be more discriminating in their tastes, so extra attention and expense will not go unnoticed.

The Dress

“The Dress” seems to be a major concern for some second-time brides, while others find it the easiest decision of the entire planning process. The importance you place on this aspect of the wedding might be influenced by your own prejudices and tradition more than your perceived idea of what others expect of you.

The tradition behind the white wedding dress has become an antiquated notion in modern society. The white dress symbolized the bride’s purity and righteousness. A second-time bride can also wear a white dress, just as a first-timer who has lived with her fiancé before marriage can. It simply isn’t an issue anymore.

Choose a dress you are comfortable in that flatters your skin tone and body type. Whether it is a stark white lace and taffeta concoction, a form-fitting ivory gown or a brightly coloured sundress is completely up to you. Leave at least six months for ordering and another six weeks for alterations and remember that the style and size you wore at your first wedding may not work this time. The staff at the bridal store should be able to guide you in the direction of a suitable style and proper fit. Don’t be discouraged when you see the tag… wedding dresses usually fit a full four sizes smaller than other clothing. If you wear size 8 pants, expect a size 12 wedding gown to fit comfortably.

The Fine Print – Legal and Financial Issues

Even before planning the perfect
wedding day, it is essential that you plan your life together. You may already live together, but marriage brings with it special financial and legal obligations, especially where
children, personal property, businesses or substantial assets are involved.

First, decide how you will control your finances. If you have been on your own for a while, you are now used to spending “your” money as you see fit. Decide early, preferably before your wedding, how you will handle money. You might choose to open a joint bank account for household expenses, while keeping your individual accounts for other money.

Decide who is primarily responsible for making sure the bills are paid on time, or set a time each week to do this together. If your incomes are simply pooled together, be sure that you understand the other person’s attitudes about money. Are they a “saver” or a “spender”? Financial problems are a major reason for marriage failures and can be avoided. If required, talk to a financial planner or accountant for impartial advice.

Because the second wedding may take place in your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s or beyond, you may have more at stake than you did in your early twenties. And while pre-nup seems to be a four-letter word in some circles, a marriage contract is a necessary evil if you have:

Investments

Decide if you will share the proceeds of your investments with your partner and whether they will be cashed out to your estate, or left intact and passed to your spouse or children if you die. Without a marriage contract, your spouse may feel entitled to receive half of your pension, RRSPs, REITs, GICs and all other investments if you ever divorce.

Personal property

This may include jewelry, furniture and family heirlooms – things you would want back if the marriage dissolved.

Other Assets

If either of you own real estate, vehicles, vacation properties, etc., decide in advance how they will be split in case of divorce.

A Business

A pre-nuptial agreement may actually be a requirement if you are in business with partners, but it is a good idea nonetheless. You need to stipulate who will control your stake in the business if you divorce, or you may lose half of your interest in the business and related profits. Consult both your lawyer and accountant to determine the steps you need to take to change your will and any insurance policies you have. Joint property must be protected, but you should also have an arrangement where one or the other of you could continue in your same standard of living, should the other die or become disabled.

If you become a blended family in your new marriage, come to an agreement on custody issues immediately. You might expect custody or visitation of your stepchildren, but whether or not you are legally entitled to that is an unknown if you haven’t arranged it in your spouse’s will. You must make your wishes for your children, assets and personal property known and legally binding to protect everyone involved. These are crucial issues that can’t wait until the dust from the wedding hoopla settles.

Your Day – Your Choice

Without the fear of the unknown hanging over your head, it should be easier this time to focus on the issues most important to you, your fiancé and your children when planning your wedding. Be confident in your choices. Plan an event reflective of your combined personalities, tastes and wishes. Experience the things you regret missing the first time around and forget about the parts you wish had never happened.

Remember that even though you’ve walked the aisle before, this is a completely new experience. A new groom, a new dress, a new venue… the perfect beginning for your new life together. Relax, celebrate and enjoy!