The Big Picture – Keeping it in Perspective

For many women, their wedding day is the realization of a childhood fantasy. For others it may be simply a time to officially recognize an emotional commitment. Society sees it as one of our most significant rights of passage, a new life for the couple involved. Imbued with social and religious significance and influenced by ritual and tradition, it represents a personal emotional highpoint – a time when you put your feelings on the line and make them public.

There are a lot of financial and emotional trappings that come with weddings, but do not forget the real reasons you are doing it. A whole industry has developed just to provide for the material aspects of the day for good reason – it is one of the most expensive parties you will ever throw. The planning process can be pleasant or it can be hell and has prevented many a couple from ever reaching the altar. As you start down the path to making your wedding plans come true, keep your mind on the big picture.

Give up the search for perfection.

The typical wedding requires a lot of planning and depends on a lot of service providers. Budget constraints and availability are going to affect your decisions. You’ll meet people you don’t relate to and others that share the same vision you have for the day. Remember, the vision is yours and, hopefully that of your future spouse, but no one will be as enthusiastic about it as you are. Striving to make everything perfect can turn you into a tyrant that alienates rather than encourages help. Remember, the unexpected things commonly become the memories we treasure later on.

Eliminate things that cause you significant stress.

Do you prefer a simple exchange of vows and being pushed towards a large formal affair by well-meaning parents offering to foot the bill? Seek a compromise or pay for it yourself. If family members are not able to be in the same room together without a fight, lay down the rules for the day or don’t invite them. If the expense is going to leave you or family in financial ruin, look for a cheaper alternative. You don’t need people that are just there for a free meal and drinks. Whatever it is, stay in touch with your feelings and when you feel the tension rise identify the source, talk it over with your groom and make a joint decision on how to resolve it.

Remember, it’s not just your day – there is a groom involved.

You are not married yet, but unilateral decisions on your part will alienate him rather than appear as decisiveness. Even though he seems not to care, err on the side of courtesy and talk it over with him. Do not force involvement, just try to encourage it.

Do not obsess over the little things

On the actual day, you will be in a bit of an emotional fog and wrapped up in the events of the day. Little things such as the right colour of the bridesmaids’ shoes are going to seem very insignificant later on.

Don’t cave in to family and/or financial pressures.

There is a saying “He who pays the piper calls the tune” meaning the person footing the bill has control. If the strings attached to financial assistance are forcing you to make concessions you are not happy with, cut them; on the other hand, if financial assistance is offered and it’s not for the purpose of influencing your plans or guest list, don’t turn it down unless you can afford to do without it.

Get help if you need it.

The typical wedding requires a lot of organization so if you are short on time or patience, get help. The process is something you need to enjoy. A professional wedding planner or a business-minded friend or relative can act as your agent and manage a lot of details. The day is yours to enjoy, not just another day at work, so step back and let others take control.

Spend money carefully –

even if it’s your parent’s. Keep a close eye on costs and reign in frivolous expenses. Whatever it is, it will commonly cost more than you expect.

Allow time for things to happen.

It always takes more time than you expected and many services you need are not available on short notice. The typical wedding takes about a year of planning; remember it is not your full-time job. There are steps to the process and a logical order to some things need to be done. Some decisions must be made quickly, because one is dependent on the other. If you get the big things arranged early, you can take time to enjoy the process and relax during those last few weeks before the big day.

Remember there are alternatives.

It is possible to organize your wedding and reception in a couple of months. It may mean a lot of compromises but you can do it. Instead of a formal church wedding consider a romantic wedding/honeymoon in some exotic location, a simple ceremony at city hall or a beachside party with an exchange of vows. It is more important that you do it your way even if it does not meet other people’s expectations.

Who pays for what

Conventions have changed and more couples are paying for all or a part of their wedding costs, especially in the case of second weddings. It leaves you in control of how it’s done and what it costs but it can be a large financial burden.

The traditional approach has been for the parents to pay at least some of the expenses, the bulk placed on the bride’s family. This is affected by cultural background and financial means so consider the following breakdown as a guideline that can be changed for your situation. Some expenses are assumed by the members of your wedding party and are included in this schedule.

The Bride

• Wedding ring for the groom.
• A wedding gift for the groom.
• Presents for her attendants.
• Personal stationery.
• Accommodations for her out-of-town attendants.

The Groom

• The bride’s rings.
• A wedding gift for the bride.
• The marriage license.
• Gifts for the best man & ushers.
• Flowers: bride’s bouquet and going away corsage, corsages for mothers, boutonnieres for the men in the wedding party.
• Accommodations for out-of-town ushers or best man.
• Gloves, ties or ascots for the men in the wedding party.
• Fee for the clergy.
• The honeymoon.
• Optional: bachelor dinner.

The Bride’s Family

• The cost of the reception: food, wedding cake, beverages, gratuities, decorations, music and flowers.
• A gift for the newlyweds.
• The wedding invitations, announcements and mailing costs.
• Bride’s wedding attire/trousseau.
• The fee for engagement and wedding photographs.
• Ceremony: rental of sanctuary, fees for organist, soloist or choir, aisle carpets and/or canopy and any other additional costs for decorations.
• Bridesmaids’ bouquets.
• Gratuities to those directing traffic as well as parking costs & coat check fees.
• Transportation for bridal party to the wedding ceremony and from ceremony to reception.
• Bridesmaids’ luncheon.

The Groom’s Family

• Clothes for the wedding.
• Any travelling expenses and hotel bills they incur.
• Wedding gift for bride and groom.
• Optional: the rehearsal dinner or other expenses they elect to assume.

The Guests

• Travelling expenses.
• Wedding gift for the couple.

The Attendants

• Wedding attire.
• Travel expenses.
• Wedding gift for the couple.

The Final Tally

Although it may be a once-in-a-lifetime day for the bride and groom, it should not be one that takes years to pay for, even if it is at someone else’s expense. The simplest way to prevent this from happening is by creating a budget and sticking to it. If your parents are paying for the wedding, they should be part of the decision-making process – it’s the time for an honest discussion.

Parents may feel guilty not giving into every request of their children so the bride and groom must be considerate and keep their expectations reasonable.

As a first step, prioritize your expenses. If pictures of the day are extremely important to you, you will want to pay extra for the best professional photographer and trim the cost of flowers and decorating. It’s a process of setting priorities and allocating the funds – one that both bride and groom need to agree upon.

Regardless of budget, costs are influenced by region in which the wedding is held. A wedding in downtown Toronto is going to be more expensive than one in a small-town and may influence your decision on where to hold it.

Cost-Saving Tips

Spend money on decorations where they will be seen and have the most impact. Use a lighter hand and select a style that does not require extensive installation and teardown. Remember, you should not be trying to mask your surroundings, just enhance them.

Choose a smaller reception location. This will force you to reduce the number of people that will attend the reception and prevent you from making last minute additions to the list.

Do the simple things yourself or with the help of friends and family they may enjoy the opportunity to be actively involved in your wedding rather than be passive bystanders.

Select a date outside of the prime wedding season. It may make it easier to book the location, caterer and decorator you want and they may be much more inclined to offer a break on the price.

Some hotels offer discount room rates for wedding guests for receptions held in their facility. Ask and you may save them some travel expenses.

Compromise on live performers in favor of a disc jockey with a decent sound system. The selection of music will be wider and the affect might be the same.

Change the menu. Depending on the time of day, you may choose to hold a cocktail

reception with hors d’oeuvres and dessert that will save you considerable money on food, music and decoration.

Rent rather than buy. This includes everything from decorations, wedding cakes to the tuxedo for the groom. In some cases you can make a package deal that will further reduce costs.