Gifts – Receiving and Giving

Tradition has it that the bride and groom are given gifts as a show of love and respect by friends and family. The maid of honor often holds a shower for the bride, at which her close friends will shower her with gifts that will help her enter into her new life with a degree of practicality and humor.

The Gift Giving

As part of the ceremony itself, the guest will bring gifts and lay them on a table or in a location at the reception hall. Depending upon the size of the affair, this exchange may take place the night before, or at some time prior to the ceremony, and these gifts are then arranged either at the reception hall or at the new abode of the couple. This is looked after by a designated wedding coordinator, either a friend or family member who will handle the duties that lie outside those of the best man and matron of honor, or by a paid professional, who is hired to see that the details of the wedding are looked after.

Usually every guest who accepts your invitation to your reception gives a gift. Anyone who receives only an invitation to the ceremony, or only an announcement of your marriage, or who must decline the offer is not expected to send a gift, although many will do so anyway. It is a way for friends and family to show their approval and blessing in some concrete form. Absolutely no one is expected or obligated to give a gift. This fact only emphasizes the importance of thanking the giver. Gifts are typically sent to the bride’s home, even if they are from friends or relatives of the groom.
The only time gifts are returned to the guest is when the wedding is cancelled. A postponement should not be considered a cancellation. In such a case, contact your guests and inform them of the change, and new date. It is the accepted rule that a wedding gift can be received up to one year after the wedding. It’s fairly common for friends and family to provide household items, and appliances or aids that will help the young couple in the construction of their new life. If you get two or three toasters, think about this before you return them. It is not uncommon for a bride or groom to press a wedding gift into service, years after the ceremony. The gas barbecue you receive may not be useful while you’re in living in an apartment, but will receive a lot of use when you move to your first home.

A wedding is also a time when heirlooms are passed along, and family treasures brought out to be admired. Such presents, even if they do not mean as much to you as to the giver, should be kept, even if in storage. They can be important parts of your family history that you may appreciate much later in life.

If dishes and flatware aren’t your style, check out some alternative stores. Perhaps you are both into kayaking and the perfect present is a two-man boat. A few words to the right friends may give them the opportunity to pool their resources for an unusual but highly desired gift.

Gift Registries

Gift registries are one means by which the newly married couple can graciously assist the gift selection process. Guests want to give a gift that is appreciated – whether it’s something that you need or want. They don’t want to be the one that gives the third toaster or wall clock that never sees the light of day.

Setting up the gift registry is like shopping without purchasing. The clerk will walk you through the store or allow you to browse adding items to a form that describes what it is and the price. You also need to be reasonable in your selections – you are effectively spending someone else’s money, your guest’s. Choose items in a variety of price ranges to allow guests a variety of options.

If it is cutlery, china or glassware you are after, stores selling these items will have a form on which you select the pattern, indicate the pieces you would like and how many you need in total. In the case of china, guests could choose to purchase one or more place settings, a server bowl or side dishes. In the case that a duplicate should occur, the store will allow a substitution. This is rare because as each item is purchased, the store clerk will make a record of it on your card which guests use as reference when they make a selection. To make it easy for guests to make a selection, some stores actually place a card with the bride and groom name next to a pattern so they know what they are looking for. If you already have silverware and dishes, you may want to add any missing pieces to the registry to round out your set.

The registry is also helpful for out-of-town guests that can call the
store and select an item over the phone whether they are attending the wedding or unable to make it. It is usually gift-wrapped and can be delivered to the bride’s home or reception location. It is appropriate to provide the name of the store(s) at which you have registered on the guest invitation or include these names on a small enclosure. Some stores provide a pre-printed adhesive label for this purpose.

When you select items for your registry, remember you are deciding for two so it is a process that both bride and groom should take a part in. Registering with multiple stores provides guests with several options and may include a national chain store that allows for easy selection by out-of-town guests.

Saying thanks

Set up some form of record-keeping system before the first gift arrives. You may decide to use the same type of system that you used for your guest list. It is important to keep a list and an accurate one, the third toaster, may be the third toaster to you, but it was the only one some thoughtful friend sent. They have to be thanked.

Upon receipt of the gift, mark down the person’s name, a brief description of the gift, the date of its arrival, and the date you mail your thank-you note. If you are opening a number of gifts at once, tape the name to the box to allow for easy filing later. If by chance a gift arrives without any card included, immediately jot down the return address on the package carefully. If you open a gift and it is damaged in any way, contact the store, if its purchase point is included, to ask for a replacement. If this happens, request that the store not mention the damage to the donor. Otherwise the person may feel obliged to replace the gift.

Thank-you notes should be simple and to the point. Identify the gift, state how much you like and how you will use it. If it’s something that you are planning to exchange or can’t live with you may need to use terms such as “unusual or different” when describing it. If a group gift is given, all persons involved should receive a separate thank-you note since the group as a whole does not work or congregate at one particular address.

Thank-you notes should be sent within a month of the wedding and should be hand-written although in today’s era of computers, printed on good quality paper and personally signed by both of you will also suffice. Convention has it that monetary gifts are referred obliquely so wordings such “thanks for 100-bucks” are to be avoided.

Expect duplicate gifts. If it is exchangeable, feel free to do so. Do not ask where a gift was purchased, and when writing your thank-you note; never mention the exchange or duplication. If you wait until after your wedding to do any exchanging or returning that you feel is necessary, you may save yourself repetitious trips to certain stores or locales, and you will certainly save yourself the time involved in this kind of shopping.

Thanking the Wedding Party

Although the bride and groom will receive much more than they give, there are some individuals that they will want to thank with a special gift or memento of their wedding. The bride gives her attendants the same gift, with exception of the maid of honor, who will receive a token that is a bit more extravagant, since she will devote the most time and service to the bride. The groom will give his ushers identical gifts with something a little special for his best man. He will give a greater amount of time to the proceedings. Your gift to your attendants may be a specific item of jewelry that they will wear for the wedding ceremony.

Thanking Those that Help

It is a good policy to also send a thank-you note to the people that helped you pull the day off – the photographer, caterer, etc. They find these as useful referrals for future work.