The Ceremony

It is safe to say weddings aren’t what they once were. There are many alternatives to the conventional wedding in a house of worship. Keep in mind that everything outside of the actual ceremony is embellishment and should not overshadow it. The style of the ceremony, casual, formal, sacred or other sets the tone for the rest of the wedding.

You may think you know how your future partner feels about the big life questions and their approach to spirituality but you had better discuss it before you make plans to travel down the ceremonial aisle. Their beliefs will affect their preference of location, vows and the ritual elements of the ceremony. If you’re the type that flouts convention you may run into a serious roadblock if the other person prefers a traditional wedding or feels they must satisfy the wishes of parents or the dictates of their faith. If not resolved, the date, location, officiant and other aspects of the ceremony need to wait.

It becomes more difficult for inter-racial marriages if you don’t understand the other person’s culture enough to know the difference between what has religious significance or just personal preference. What seems a meaningless ritual to you could create great upset for other family members who feel the ceremony is not valid without it. Find out what you can beforehand, ask your future spouse and in-laws for a cultural history lesson or do some reading at the library. You may find that you can merge elements from each culture in such a way that keeps everyone happy and introduces some originality into the ceremony.

Selecting a Location

There is no legal requirement that the wedding ceremony be held in a house of worship. In fact, couples are experimenting, using indoor and outdoor locations that are important to them and suit the wedding theme. The clergy are generally more willing to entertain these options making it easier to combine an unusual setting with the type of ceremony you want.

Picking a location requires juggling several variables: what’s available, when it’s available and who can officiate. It’s also important to consider the guests who may not be able to make the trek to the top of your favorite hill or appreciate the wind and weather along a shore. The general rule is book early, even if it is an outdoor location. Even your favorite beach side location may require a permit.

Houses of worship are typically booked a year in advance and although most are capable of handling more than one ceremony per day, you need to be sure the officiant is available. If you choose a house of worship, you will be selecting the cleric that goes along with it so be sure you have the right person and the right spot. In these settings, the traditions and rituals of the faith may limit your options as to the ceremony format and vows. It is inappropriate to force your wishes upon a cleric for whom the church is the house of God – better to choose an alternate location.

Selecting a Date

The question is, do you select a date and find a location or vice versa? It depends on your priorities. If you fail to book far enough in advance your favorite location for a June wedding may not be available. Start with a few dates in mind and choose based upon availability of the location. To get the date, you may need to adjust the time or choose a different officiant. Remember, there are alternatives to the Saturday afternoon wedding.

The Officiant

The officiant is a person licensed to perform wedding ceremonies and may come from the clergy or have no religious affiliations such as a justice of the peace. A quick search on the Internet or browse of the yellow pages will also uncover agencies that provide this type of service, offering men and women, young or old as an officiant. Most agencies will preside over opposite-sex and same-sex ceremonies. They are mostly located in major cities and limit travel to their immediate area so your options in rural areas are likely to be more limited.

The officiant, whether male or female, is an extremely important part of the ceremony and should be selected with care. They do not simply show up 15-minutes before the ceremony, recite a few words and pronounce you man and wife, unless of course Las Vegas is the setting. As couples strive to personalize their wedding, the officiant can assist by helping you to create your own vows and offer the choice of a religious or humanist ceremony (does not invoke any god or deity). Some adapt rituals from other cultures that can add significance to the ceremony. If you are choosing a religious ceremony, make sure the officiant is familiar with the dictates of your faith and the wedding rituals.

Select an officiant that demonstrates a willingness to preside over the type of ceremony you want. Don’t rule out the Minister of your church or the Rabbi you have known for years. They may be more easygoing than you expect. Keep in mind, clerics are likely to have more experience than a lay-person as it is part of their training and something they have practiced many times.

Here’s how the business side works

Book the officiant as soon as you have set the wedding date or at least six to twelve months in advance. Expect to pay a non-refundable deposit when you reserve a date. The typical fee for an officiant is in the range $250 to $500 dollars, the price affected by travel distance, the type of ceremony and whether they have prepared unique vows. Ask for a summary description of their service, the proposed ceremony and the contingency plans in case the person you selected is not available on the wedding day.

If you are being married in a church or other house of worship you will be paying for the officiant and use of the facility, which can increase your overall cost up to $1,000 or more. Ask for a breakdown of the fee and what is included. Ask when the space is available and for how long. You do not want the next wedding party standing in the waiting area anxious for you to finish.

Officiants require at least one meeting before the ceremony, and some two. If you have chosen the minister of your church the premarital process may be much more involved and entail a number of counseling sessions. Service agencies expect to have at least one rehearsal about a month in advance at their location or sometimes the wedding location. They’ll go through the steps and outline what happens when, depending on the type of ceremony that you have chosen. If a second rehearsal is required an additional fee may be charged.

The Marriage License

in Canada you must purchase a marriage license, which you can get at a local municipal office or city hall. In most cases the license can be issued while you wait and is valid for period of 90-days from the date of issue. There is no required waiting period so you can be married anytime after you purchased the license. The government does not issue you with a wedding certificate until you submit the required application.

Only one of you needs to be present to apply for the license but original copies of proof of identity for each of you is required. This includes a birth certificate, passport, record of immigration or citizenship and the second piece a form of photo identification such as a driver’s license. If you were divorced in Canada you will need to supply the original certificate, decree or court-certified copy of either. If you were divorced outside of Canada, the process is more complicated – information is available from the issuing office and may require the assistance of your lawyer. You are required to certify the accuracy of information under oath, which makes you legally liable in case of false statements. The current fee for a marriage license in Ontario is $125 and varies by province.

The Vows

What you say to the other person as your declaration of love is strictly up to you. There are no set requirements for what should be included in your vows. This said, not everyone is poetic and can confidently express their feelings. The officiant can be a tremendous help with this by providing prepared scripts, which you can modify. If you are not religious, you can choose humanist vows that make no reference to a deity or god. The officiant can help you with the writing and may suggest cultural and ceremonial symbols that may have significance to you – the Apache Wedding Chant, Celtic handfasting ritual or breaking of a wine glass.

The statement of vows is an opportunity for you to say what you really feel about the other person and the importance of your relationship, so carefully consider your words. If you are not a poet at heart there are some places you can look for inspiration.

Make a list of the qualities you admire most about the other person. Rather than recite these like a shopping list, think in terms that sum up the other person.
Read what the poets have said about love. Include a favorite sonnet or love poem or simply a few lines.
Get in touch with your own spiritual values. Do not be afraid to express your beliefs and the importance of your faith.

Decoration

Decoration for the ceremony is always more subdued than the reception. If its outdoors, the natural beauty of the location may be sufficient. If its indoors, you will normally want to add some personal touches – flowers around the altar, pew markers and decoration at the entrance way and signing table. Talk to your decorator or florist – they’ll advise you as to options and cost.

Keep the setting in mind, before you decorate. A huge cathedral is going to dwarf all but the largest floral arrangements that need to be strategically placed or they will have no impact. On the other hand, formal arrangements in a natural woodland setting are going to look very out of place.

Flowers are still the most popular form of decoration for the ceremony – they add life and warmth to the surroundings and can introduce an element of colour, coordinating with the bridal party. Flowers can also do double-duty by transferring them to the reception location for decoration there.

See Flowers for more ideas. »

The Rehearsal

The wedding ceremony is not unlike a play in which the bride and groom are the lead characters, with the members of the wedding party, officiant and family members playing supporting roles. There is good reason for having a rehearsal. Knowing what you have to do will go a long way to reducing the tension of the ceremony.

The rehearsal is usually held the night before the ceremony in the location, assuming it is available. If the ceremony is held in a church the officiant and person responsible for the chapel will need to attend. If the ceremony is to be held in a hotel or banquet hall, you will need to book the space beforehand, which it is best to do when you book the reception.

Music is the most effective means by which to cue the actions of the ceremony. If you have chosen musicians rather than recorded music, use a fill-in recording, preferably with the same pieces being played. If you are using a DJ to provide recorded music, they’ll be able to tell you the exact length of each song. Commonly, one or the other will attend the rehearsal. It’s also important to assign someone the duty of synchronizing the members of the wedding party and receive visual cues from the person providing the music.

Perhaps the single most important element is the bride’s entry and procession to the altar. Enter at the right point and time your steps so that the music does not stop before you reach your destination.

It is customary to have a dinner after the rehearsal for all of those participating in the ceremony including the officiant. Either the bride or groom’s parents or the bride and groom themselves assume the cost. See this as a brief moment for everyone to relax before the big day.